There is Joy Under the Black Water

I remember the first 45 minutes I did not think about Gabe’s death. Lex, my friend from Australia, and Allison, my friend from Texas, were both staying with me on the farm. We took the kids to pick strawberries in Carlsbad. We each got a bucket, and the kiddos took off into the strawberry fields. They laughed and enjoyed themselves. I stayed close to my three-year-old son as he navigated the little mounds where the strawberry plants grew.

When we were finished and loading everyone into the car, I blinked. I hadn't had the image of finding Gabe in my mind. It was unbelievable and brief. But that 45-minute reprieve startled me. I told Allison, and she said, “That’s good. You need a break.” 

Back at the farm, Lex baked strawberry pies.

During this period, small things brought relief. I took walks every day, and my friend Jon would call and check on me. He was touring with Queens of the Stone Age and going through a breakup. Talking with him about his sadness was a wonderful distraction from my own. 

Allison stayed through the summer and left in mid-July. Lex flew back to Australia after a few weeks.  Jon reconciled with his girlfriend and went on a European tour. I was alone for the first time. Sort of. My parents lived with me while their Accessory Dwelling Unit (ADU) was being built on the property. I tried to take the kids to Disneyland and Universal Studios to make their summer fun. It was slightly disastrous. No one was truly ready, and although we had a little fun, my daughter and I were anxious the whole time. 

In August of 2022, I received a message from someone I hadn't spoken to in years: Matthew Koshak. Matt had been our tour manager and sound engineer for a few tours with Dum Dum Girls. We met when our band was supporting the band Girls. He stood a foot taller than everyone and was handsome and full of swagger. He made men apologize to us at bars when they made untoward comments. After a complicated sound check with the house engineer at a venue, he came backstage and announced that it would never happen again and that he would be our sound guy, gratis, for the rest of the tour.